Tuesday, June 18, 2013
The Day Our Son Became an Angel
Over the next week Adam and I came to realize that our baby boy wasn't going to make it. Those feelings that week were a lot of mixed emotions. Sadness, anger, defeat, disbelief, and peace that we would make it through this. At my follow up appointment I watched the ultrasound monitor and saw that our baby was not moving very much, and his heart rate was dropping. I knew he was tired of fighting this virus and it would be any day now that he would return to heaven. It broke my heart to see my once baby that was moving all around look tired and worn out. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. We left the doctors knowing that any day his heart would stop and I would have to deliver our baby boy asleep. I schedule an appointment with my OB on a Thursday to check to see if he had a heart beat. I remember going into my OB knowing my baby didn't have a heart beat. He checked and it was true, he had gone to heaven. I look back at the moment and can't believe I was brave and strong enough to hear the news, I know my baby boy was there giving me strength. On Friday morning I went to the hospital where they started to induce me. There are a lot of personal details that I won't go into but are baby boy was born Easter Sunday March 31st 2013. We named him Joseph Randy after my great grandpa and after Adam's dad Randy who had passed away. He was only 15 ounces and 9 1/2 inches long. Adam and I miss Joseph deeply. Our arms ache
just to hold him again. We are devoted to making his life matter and also help other women be aware of the risks of CMV to their unborn babies.
Follow Up Appointment
After getting the shocking results that our baby did not have down syndrome the doctors wanted to do a follow up appointment to check make sure physically that he was healthy. I forgot to mention in the earlier post that while they were doing the ultrasound they told us we were having a boy. At that point I didn't care what we were having as long as the baby was healthy. By this time Adam was so excited to be having a boy. He started talking about everything they would do together. They would play sport, go fishing and do everything a father and son do. I could picture the two of them together and I was so excited to be having a boy.
Adam and I went to our follow up ultrasound a couple weeks later. At this ultrasound I wasn't nervous, I knew our baby boy was healthy and everything would be okay. After the tech was finished taking pictures the doctor came in to do a follow up. I started to notice that the doctor was looking alot at our babies brain heart and lungs. This was the longest ultrasound ever, and the doctor wasn't saying anything. At one point we asked the doctor what was going on and he said he would tell us in a minute. I felt something was wrong. After about 30 minutes of looking at our baby the doctor finished. I asked him if everything was okay, and all he told me was we should talk in the other room. My legs went numb, my heart was pounding, I felt dizzy. What possibly could be wrong with our baby boy. He took us in the other room and told us our baby had developed hydrops, which is fluid around the heart, lungs and brain. It means his organs were shutting down. I asked the doctor what this meant, and he told me something I never expected to hear. He told us that our baby probably wouldn't make it to full-term. Tears began to fill up in my eyes and I felt as if I was in a dream. How could this be happening, this kind of thing only happens to other people, not me. The doctor said a lot of other things but mentioned he wanted to test me for CMV, and told us that it could be the cause of our baby developing hydrops. CMV is a virus that most adults usually have had, but I had never had it so didn't have the antibodies to help my baby fight it off. It was something I had never heard before. How could I have protected my baby from something I didn't even know existed. They tested me and siad I would hear back in a couple days.
I remember the drive home felt like a dream. I was in shock and my heart was broken. All my hopes and dreams for our baby boy were crushed. I few days later a received the results that our baby boy had CMV. They scheduled me for a follow up apointment to see how fast the hydrops was developing.
Adam and I went to our follow up ultrasound a couple weeks later. At this ultrasound I wasn't nervous, I knew our baby boy was healthy and everything would be okay. After the tech was finished taking pictures the doctor came in to do a follow up. I started to notice that the doctor was looking alot at our babies brain heart and lungs. This was the longest ultrasound ever, and the doctor wasn't saying anything. At one point we asked the doctor what was going on and he said he would tell us in a minute. I felt something was wrong. After about 30 minutes of looking at our baby the doctor finished. I asked him if everything was okay, and all he told me was we should talk in the other room. My legs went numb, my heart was pounding, I felt dizzy. What possibly could be wrong with our baby boy. He took us in the other room and told us our baby had developed hydrops, which is fluid around the heart, lungs and brain. It means his organs were shutting down. I asked the doctor what this meant, and he told me something I never expected to hear. He told us that our baby probably wouldn't make it to full-term. Tears began to fill up in my eyes and I felt as if I was in a dream. How could this be happening, this kind of thing only happens to other people, not me. The doctor said a lot of other things but mentioned he wanted to test me for CMV, and told us that it could be the cause of our baby developing hydrops. CMV is a virus that most adults usually have had, but I had never had it so didn't have the antibodies to help my baby fight it off. It was something I had never heard before. How could I have protected my baby from something I didn't even know existed. They tested me and siad I would hear back in a couple days.
I remember the drive home felt like a dream. I was in shock and my heart was broken. All my hopes and dreams for our baby boy were crushed. I few days later a received the results that our baby boy had CMV. They scheduled me for a follow up apointment to see how fast the hydrops was developing.
An unexpected Journey
In October 2012 mys husband and I found out we were having a baby. We were in shock and did not expect it to happen so soon. Thoughts ran through my head, wondering if we were ready for a baby. Over the next hew weeks we were less in shock, and I was getting morning sickness. Physically I felt yucky, but emotionally I was nervous and excited. In February I went in for my doctors 18 week appointment. By this time I was not feeling as nervous about having a baby and I was excited about the journey ahead. At my appointment my doctor asked me if I wanted to do the 2nd trimester testing. This tests if your baby has a risk for having of down syndrome or a neural tube defect such as spina bifida. Being a first time mom I thought this test was routine and something that every pregnant woman does so I didn't think twice about it. A week later I missed a call from my doctors office, they left a message saying to call them back, they wanted to go over my test. My heart starting beating out of my chest, I was nervous about what they were going to tell me. I finally convinced myself that everything was going to be okay and gave them a call back. The nurse proceeded to tell me that my tests came back that my baby has a high chance of having down syndrome. The nurse told me my baby had a 1 in 2 chance of having down syndrome. She told me we needed to schedule an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine at IMED to have an in depth ultrasound to look for physical signs of down syndrome. On my way home I was in complete shock, I felt like a zombie. I just kept thinking this can't be happening to me. I went to my mom's house and when I walked in I lost it. There was uncontrollable sobbing and my heart was broken. I felt like I was in a dream, how could this be happening to me? Would I be able to raise a child with Down syndrome, this must be a mistake It was extremely hard to tell Adam, I felt like it was my fault. He reassured me it wasn't, but he was also in shock. That night when he came home from work I could see the worry and ditress on his face. My dad gave both of us a comfort blessing and tears filled Adam's eyes which broke my heart. Over the next few days our family's prayed that everything would be okay and the baby would not have down syndrome, and would be healthy.
The day of the ultrasound I was a nervous wreck. I kept telling myself things would be okay and our baby would be healthy. But deep down I new something was not right. But maybe it was because I was nervous. My sister and dad came with us for support. During the ultrasound the tech took a lot of pictures but did not say a word which made us even more nervous. When I asked her if everything was okay, she told me she would let the doctor talk to us. I knew this was not a good sign. The doctor came in with a genetic counselor and and proceeded to tell us that there many physical markers that showed our baby had down syndrome. My body went numb, how could this be? To be 100% sure we did an amniocentesis that would confirm the diagnosis. Also while telling us our baby has down syndrom they told us it was a little boy. I do remember when they did the amnio I saw them stick the needle in my belly and Joseph touched it with his foot, then quickly moved it away. Such a little stinker like his dad is what I thought. I wish I had that video because I would give anything to see him move again. But at the time i didn't know it would be one of the last times we would see our little boy move. The next few days were hard for me and Adam. We talked about how it would be to have a child with down syndrome and how we were going to get through it. A week passed and I new any day we would be getting the results back from the amnio. I kept telling preparing myself to hear the words, that your baby does have down syndrome. I finally got the call from the doctor,, she told me that our baby did not have down syndrome. I was shocked and over joyed! It was a miracle.
The day of the ultrasound I was a nervous wreck. I kept telling myself things would be okay and our baby would be healthy. But deep down I new something was not right. But maybe it was because I was nervous. My sister and dad came with us for support. During the ultrasound the tech took a lot of pictures but did not say a word which made us even more nervous. When I asked her if everything was okay, she told me she would let the doctor talk to us. I knew this was not a good sign. The doctor came in with a genetic counselor and and proceeded to tell us that there many physical markers that showed our baby had down syndrome. My body went numb, how could this be? To be 100% sure we did an amniocentesis that would confirm the diagnosis. Also while telling us our baby has down syndrom they told us it was a little boy. I do remember when they did the amnio I saw them stick the needle in my belly and Joseph touched it with his foot, then quickly moved it away. Such a little stinker like his dad is what I thought. I wish I had that video because I would give anything to see him move again. But at the time i didn't know it would be one of the last times we would see our little boy move. The next few days were hard for me and Adam. We talked about how it would be to have a child with down syndrome and how we were going to get through it. A week passed and I new any day we would be getting the results back from the amnio. I kept telling preparing myself to hear the words, that your baby does have down syndrome. I finally got the call from the doctor,, she told me that our baby did not have down syndrome. I was shocked and over joyed! It was a miracle.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)